Monday, December 12, 2011

Step Away From the Rocky Road

Two of my friends are in the security business. One sells retinal scan and fingerprint technology while the other has a company marketing a new palm scanner that will link your identity to your health records.

The palm scan technology is pretty cool. If you enter a hospital and they scan your palm they can immediately download your records from your doctor’s office; faster follow-up, better care.

This stuff worries me, though.

Here’s what I see coming: Let's say you're in the line at the grocery store and you have some Rocky Road ice cream.

Wait a minute…it gets me a little swimmy-headed to even say “Rocky Road.”

Anyway, when the clerk swiped your little, plastic, key-thingy the machine scanned YOU. Then it quickly contacted your doc’s office and got your weight, vital stats like blood pressure and cholesterol, and the doctor’s recommendations. (Which, in my case, usually start with, “Hey, Shamu, have you thought about birthing this baby?”)

Now, as your items are being scanned the computer is making a judgment about what is good for you. AND IF YOUR ITEM ISN’T GOOD FOR YOU THE STORE WON’T SELL IT TO YOU!!

Is that a billion dollar idea, or what?!

People get healthier and live longer (it won’t be as much fun, but you get the idea), health care costs go down, grocery stores get smaller ‘cause they’re not selling all the bad stuff (except to those anorexic, bulimic cover models) and farmers who grow the good stuff will be more successful.

Here’s the best part: A humongous, illicit, food industry will be created. There’ll be black ice-cream trucks pulling up to peoples’ houses at midnight. There’ll be a back door somewhere with a naked light bulb flickering above it and a sliding slot in the door where’ll you have to have a secret password and then they’ll slip you a Snickers. Some jittery dude on a corner will have Hot Pockets inside his…mmm….pockets.

In the immortal words of one of America’s great philosophers, Butch Cassidy, when he and the Sundance Kid were escaping the train robbery, “I have visions and the world sees through bifocals.”

Have a great Monday.

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