Friday, January 20, 2012

The Promise of Romance and a Bullet

My brother has a raccoon problem. His not-so-cute-and-little visitor has been rummaging around in the attic for a few days.

So, Joe called a critter-gitter. In fact, if you've never heard of Critter Gitter it's actually the name of one of the animal removal franchises.

They gitter guy comes to your house, puts some traps around (usually cages the critter gets trapped in), checks on them and takes the critter away when they're caught.

I asked Joe what they use for bait. He said, "Coon goo and cat food."

Don'tcha love that phrase, "Coon goo." It sounds like some sort of Asian desert. The waiter asks what you'd like with your moo goo gai pan and you say, "I'll have a bowl of coon goo."

Anyway, I'm figuring that coon goo is kinda like the stuff hunters use to attract deer. It's a mixture of pheromones (the fragrances that attract creatures--including humans--to romantic encounters)and body fluids and, well, ok...let's just say that it's stuff that infers that good things are going to happen.

That's when Joe told me the bad news. If they catch a raccoon the critter gitter takes it away and kills it. The raccoons are so destructive to a house and have such great homing sense that no matter how far away you take them they'll come back and keep tearing your place up. So the insurance industry had the legislature pass a law that says the critter has to be destroyed.

Which led me to this, "isn't that sad" thought: Here you are, a raccoon just trying to get along, and you smell some coon goo and cat food and you think, "Sweet! Food AND romance!!! How great is this!!" So you walk into the cage and the next thing you know you're in the back of a truck on your way to a date with a .22 bullet and raccoon heaven.

My next thought was that coon goo for me would probably be a mixture of Ivory soap, Obsession and a Burger King Double.

It'd take a big cage for me, though.

Have a great weekend. See you Monday.

1 comment:

  1. Laughing my ass off!!!!!

    You had gotten kind of mature and stale lately. Glad you are back!