Friday, December 20, 2013

Four Tips That Let You Forget Holiday Health Rules

This is the weekend we all get serious about the holidays so I’m going to offer some holiday health/life advice you won’t get from anyone else.

Starting at 5 pm today, to heck with diets, nutrition tips, worrying about weight…all of it. Unless something you might do between now and January 2 is absolutely going to have a dramatically negative impact on your health (as in, your doctor told you not to do it or it’ll cause your meds to go crazy) just don’t worry about it.

Eat and drink what you want, stay out late, sleep in, eat and drink more of what you want, take a cab home, PARTY ON!!, don’t work out, smoke cigars, chew tobacco, don’t cut your toenails, have LOTS of sex if possible (and if not possible, think about it a lot) watch a Wives of Lumberton marathon and eat and drink everything you want.

You know, you only live once and you’ve got the rest of the year to recover.

Here are four ways to dial the damage level back for the next two weeks:
-        Drink water by the gallons. No kidding, make yourself drink a gallon of water a day. Low hydration is what really hammers us during hangovers. Also, lots of water means frequent trips to the loo which you can count as exercise, the trips allow you to make new friends and you keep seeing yourself in the mirror which allows you to do frequent damage assessment.

-        Buy Antacids. The more trash you push through your Alimentary Canal the more heartburn you’ll probably encounter so you might as well head it off at the pass…mmm…so to speak. Plan ahead and buy the multi-tube pack.

-        Take naps. Your hedonic-gluttonous marathon puts a lot of strain on your body so take any opportunity to cut your human vehicle some slack and let it rest up for the next bout of shots/cinnamon cake/whoopy.

-        Be Nice. This is expected at the holidays anyway so if you tend to be a jerk the rest of the year you’re going off the rails and fooling people for two weeks. Also, binging like this for two weeks means that sometime during the holidays you’ll need a friend; someone to drive you home/help you clean up what you spilled/hold your head/keep someone you WEREN’T nice to from smacking you. Being nice makes friends, even for the short-term.

Running wide open for two weeks is not easy, I can tell you that from experience. On January 2 you’ll feel like a meat sack that’s been tossed off a delivery truck.

But, it’s fun and life being what it is you might not get another chance to do it.


The best part is that you get to wake up on the morning of January 2, look in the mirror and say, “Gosh, I’ve really let myself go! I need to get my act together.” And you’ll have clear evidence that you do.

1 comment:

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